Just let it out...

This blog should have been started long before now... but part of the grieving process is putting things off for as long as you can. Coincidentally, 9 months after the boys passed, I'm finally putting everything out in the open. You're going to read things you may not like, things that may offend you, and things that may make you feel different about me. I'm not holding back. I have a lot built up inside of me, and there's no time like now to just let it out.

*Side note: I'm going to say "I" a lot instead of "we". Granted, Jacob did go through every bit of it with me, but this is all from my perspective.

Let's start with today. For the last 20 minutes I have been crying hysterically. Why? Because I had to call Christie and Carle and make a physical appt. and a gyno appt. I have put making the appointments on the back burner for 5 months now... all because I didn't want to have to answer any questions about what I just went through over the last year. No one will ever understand our situation and I was determined that any doctor I spoke with was going to be an asshole and not do their jobs like the ones we had to work with this last year. Holding back tears... I finally made the calls and have appointments setup. I'm sure the day of the appts I'm going to be just as hysterical. Hell, I'm crying right now just thinking about it. I have to wait until Feb 27 to see my new OBGYN for my annual! They asked if I wanted to see her nurse practitioner....HA! No way Jose!~ Trust me, no nurse practitioner wants to deal with me on that day. If I'm going to divulge everything, it's going to be to "The Lady"! I dread going back to Christie in Champaign. Every time I walk in there I will remember all the times I was there. Every ultrasound. Every heartbeat we got to hear. And every awful appointment we had to endure where they told us our boys were never going to make it. Those appointments are so vivid in my head. I remember what the doctor was wearing. I remember the smell of the office. I remember the look on the ultrasound tech's face when we were asking her questions, and all of a sudden her face changed, she ended the ultrasound and took us into an office without answering anymore questions. I remember Dr. Nelson's face when she walked into the room. From that moment on, I was living a nightmare. Over the last 9 months, I found myself making random trips to Champaign. I never really thought much of it then. I'm always needing stuff at Hobby Lobby. Then it occurred to me the last time I drove to Champaign. I really didn't need anything specific. I was going because that was my alone time with the boys when I carried them. That was our bonding time. I would sing to them and talk to them. It always felt like they were dancing in there. It was like I was trying to relive those moments. When we grieve, we can do some crazy stuff. Others might look at me and think I am crazy, but it's what I need to do to make this process easier.

To be continued...

My goal is to make this my therapy. Yes it's going to make me relive every second, but those moments, as horrible as they were, were also some of the best moments in my life. We gave this world two beautiful angels. As I tell my story, I'm probably going to jump around a lot. Some days I relive certain moments over and over in my head. I want to share them with whoever wants to listen. Other times, I'm just going to talk about my day and how my day was affected by our tragedy. I hope this will give outsiders a look into what it's like for parents to lose their children. I hope this will give anyone who has lost a child relief in knowing they aren't the only one going through this horrific process.

When you feel like there is nothing is left... there is always hope.

Dallas - Born 2/14/2012 - Died 2/14/2012
Carter - Born 2/14/2012 - Died 2/15/2012