Well today was the day of my dreaded... DUN DUN DUNNN... physical. I was doing everything I could not to cry on the way there.
I cried in the waiting room.
I cried when the nurse weighed me (totally different reason for crying)
I cried when the doctor walked in.
And I cried when she told me to tell her about myself.
Yup... I'm an emotional wreck.
So she told me to tell her about myself start from head to toe. When I busted out my phone that had my list of issues, she chuckled and said "BREATHE"! I don't know what I thought she was going to tell me. Some days I felt like I was dying and others I felt on top of the world. Sometimes it would change in a matter of seconds. Poor Jacob has to deal with me. Jacob = Saint!
When I told her about the boys and our shitty specialists at Carle, she was speechless. When I told her they had me on Zoloft & Paxil (at different times) while pregnant, she said "you know that can cause heart defects?". Which is why our little Carter passed away. He had a heart defect (as well as hydrops, but he was the less affected twin). So thanks again old doc... you told us to ignore the warning commercials about taking them while pregnant. You said it was "fine"! Granted, there is no way to ever know if the meds caused what killed him, but it definitely didn't help.
I was put back on Metformin for my PCOS. Because we are trying to get pregnant, I cannot be on meds for my restless leg syndrom, get an xray for a hiatal hernia, be on meds to control my anxiety and depression, be on meds for my back pain... the list goes on and on. They did retest my thyroid. I will be curious to see what the results say. Especially since I had hypothyroidism, then it went away... WEIRD!
I've always known, since I was probably 10, that something big/awful in my life would happen. I don't know how to describe it. I was just waiting for the day to come. Whatever it was, I knew it was coming. I just never knew when. Now I think, was this it? Was losing out babies the big event? Or is there something else? There are some days, it is all I can think about. While other days I do my best to live every day like it's my last. It's hard not to dwell on the past. Everyone preaches it. It's just not that easy. Every day I struggle. One day at a time...
Monday, December 3, 2012
Monday, November 19, 2012
Just let it out...
This blog should have been started long before now... but part of the grieving process is putting things off for as long as you can. Coincidentally, 9 months after the boys passed, I'm finally putting everything out in the open. You're going to read things you may not like, things that may offend you, and things that may make you feel different about me. I'm not holding back. I have a lot built up inside of me, and there's no time like now to just let it out.
*Side note: I'm going to say "I" a lot instead of "we". Granted, Jacob did go through every bit of it with me, but this is all from my perspective.
Let's start with today. For the last 20 minutes I have been crying hysterically. Why? Because I had to call Christie and Carle and make a physical appt. and a gyno appt. I have put making the appointments on the back burner for 5 months now... all because I didn't want to have to answer any questions about what I just went through over the last year. No one will ever understand our situation and I was determined that any doctor I spoke with was going to be an asshole and not do their jobs like the ones we had to work with this last year. Holding back tears... I finally made the calls and have appointments setup. I'm sure the day of the appts I'm going to be just as hysterical. Hell, I'm crying right now just thinking about it. I have to wait until Feb 27 to see my new OBGYN for my annual! They asked if I wanted to see her nurse practitioner....HA! No way Jose!~ Trust me, no nurse practitioner wants to deal with me on that day. If I'm going to divulge everything, it's going to be to "The Lady"! I dread going back to Christie in Champaign. Every time I walk in there I will remember all the times I was there. Every ultrasound. Every heartbeat we got to hear. And every awful appointment we had to endure where they told us our boys were never going to make it. Those appointments are so vivid in my head. I remember what the doctor was wearing. I remember the smell of the office. I remember the look on the ultrasound tech's face when we were asking her questions, and all of a sudden her face changed, she ended the ultrasound and took us into an office without answering anymore questions. I remember Dr. Nelson's face when she walked into the room. From that moment on, I was living a nightmare. Over the last 9 months, I found myself making random trips to Champaign. I never really thought much of it then. I'm always needing stuff at Hobby Lobby. Then it occurred to me the last time I drove to Champaign. I really didn't need anything specific. I was going because that was my alone time with the boys when I carried them. That was our bonding time. I would sing to them and talk to them. It always felt like they were dancing in there. It was like I was trying to relive those moments. When we grieve, we can do some crazy stuff. Others might look at me and think I am crazy, but it's what I need to do to make this process easier.
To be continued...
My goal is to make this my therapy. Yes it's going to make me relive every second, but those moments, as horrible as they were, were also some of the best moments in my life. We gave this world two beautiful angels. As I tell my story, I'm probably going to jump around a lot. Some days I relive certain moments over and over in my head. I want to share them with whoever wants to listen. Other times, I'm just going to talk about my day and how my day was affected by our tragedy. I hope this will give outsiders a look into what it's like for parents to lose their children. I hope this will give anyone who has lost a child relief in knowing they aren't the only one going through this horrific process.
When you feel like there is nothing is left... there is always hope.
Dallas - Born 2/14/2012 - Died 2/14/2012
Carter - Born 2/14/2012 - Died 2/15/2012
*Side note: I'm going to say "I" a lot instead of "we". Granted, Jacob did go through every bit of it with me, but this is all from my perspective.
Let's start with today. For the last 20 minutes I have been crying hysterically. Why? Because I had to call Christie and Carle and make a physical appt. and a gyno appt. I have put making the appointments on the back burner for 5 months now... all because I didn't want to have to answer any questions about what I just went through over the last year. No one will ever understand our situation and I was determined that any doctor I spoke with was going to be an asshole and not do their jobs like the ones we had to work with this last year. Holding back tears... I finally made the calls and have appointments setup. I'm sure the day of the appts I'm going to be just as hysterical. Hell, I'm crying right now just thinking about it. I have to wait until Feb 27 to see my new OBGYN for my annual! They asked if I wanted to see her nurse practitioner....HA! No way Jose!~ Trust me, no nurse practitioner wants to deal with me on that day. If I'm going to divulge everything, it's going to be to "The Lady"! I dread going back to Christie in Champaign. Every time I walk in there I will remember all the times I was there. Every ultrasound. Every heartbeat we got to hear. And every awful appointment we had to endure where they told us our boys were never going to make it. Those appointments are so vivid in my head. I remember what the doctor was wearing. I remember the smell of the office. I remember the look on the ultrasound tech's face when we were asking her questions, and all of a sudden her face changed, she ended the ultrasound and took us into an office without answering anymore questions. I remember Dr. Nelson's face when she walked into the room. From that moment on, I was living a nightmare. Over the last 9 months, I found myself making random trips to Champaign. I never really thought much of it then. I'm always needing stuff at Hobby Lobby. Then it occurred to me the last time I drove to Champaign. I really didn't need anything specific. I was going because that was my alone time with the boys when I carried them. That was our bonding time. I would sing to them and talk to them. It always felt like they were dancing in there. It was like I was trying to relive those moments. When we grieve, we can do some crazy stuff. Others might look at me and think I am crazy, but it's what I need to do to make this process easier.
To be continued...
My goal is to make this my therapy. Yes it's going to make me relive every second, but those moments, as horrible as they were, were also some of the best moments in my life. We gave this world two beautiful angels. As I tell my story, I'm probably going to jump around a lot. Some days I relive certain moments over and over in my head. I want to share them with whoever wants to listen. Other times, I'm just going to talk about my day and how my day was affected by our tragedy. I hope this will give outsiders a look into what it's like for parents to lose their children. I hope this will give anyone who has lost a child relief in knowing they aren't the only one going through this horrific process.
When you feel like there is nothing is left... there is always hope.
Dallas - Born 2/14/2012 - Died 2/14/2012
Carter - Born 2/14/2012 - Died 2/15/2012
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