Well today was the day of my dreaded... DUN DUN DUNNN... physical. I was doing everything I could not to cry on the way there.
I cried in the waiting room.
I cried when the nurse weighed me (totally different reason for crying)
I cried when the doctor walked in.
And I cried when she told me to tell her about myself.
Yup... I'm an emotional wreck.
So she told me to tell her about myself start from head to toe. When I busted out my phone that had my list of issues, she chuckled and said "BREATHE"! I don't know what I thought she was going to tell me. Some days I felt like I was dying and others I felt on top of the world. Sometimes it would change in a matter of seconds. Poor Jacob has to deal with me. Jacob = Saint!
When I told her about the boys and our shitty specialists at Carle, she was speechless. When I told her they had me on Zoloft & Paxil (at different times) while pregnant, she said "you know that can cause heart defects?". Which is why our little Carter passed away. He had a heart defect (as well as hydrops, but he was the less affected twin). So thanks again old doc... you told us to ignore the warning commercials about taking them while pregnant. You said it was "fine"! Granted, there is no way to ever know if the meds caused what killed him, but it definitely didn't help.
I was put back on Metformin for my PCOS. Because we are trying to get pregnant, I cannot be on meds for my restless leg syndrom, get an xray for a hiatal hernia, be on meds to control my anxiety and depression, be on meds for my back pain... the list goes on and on. They did retest my thyroid. I will be curious to see what the results say. Especially since I had hypothyroidism, then it went away... WEIRD!
I've always known, since I was probably 10, that something big/awful in my life would happen. I don't know how to describe it. I was just waiting for the day to come. Whatever it was, I knew it was coming. I just never knew when. Now I think, was this it? Was losing out babies the big event? Or is there something else? There are some days, it is all I can think about. While other days I do my best to live every day like it's my last. It's hard not to dwell on the past. Everyone preaches it. It's just not that easy. Every day I struggle. One day at a time...
